I've come to the conclusion that I can't continue with this blog.
Maybe I saw it coming months and months ago, but I didn't know how to let go of it. And every time I tried to breathe new life into it, I ended up in the same place -- wanting to write but not knowing how to break out of my limiting mindset.
I love to write. I write everyday, even if I don't publish it here. But as therapeutic as writing for the self can be, there is something fun about connecting to others through writing and I don't want to give that up.
However, I also don't want my hobby to be myself anymore. Personal blogging has been transformative and helpful, but there also comes a time when you need blogging to be a bit of an escape. A way of getting some distance from your stuck thoughts and the things that hold you back. When your own personal growth becomes the subject matter and even the entertainment of your blog, it becomes hard to have a way of stepping back from that and just lightening up again.
I miss how I used to be. I used to be so happy, so sunny, so enthusiastic. I miss being more carefree and laughing more. I think this blog has helped me to work through a lot of things, but sometimes it's too personal. But because I'm the subject, not sharing those things I'm going through makes me feel like an imposter, like a phony. I figure, maybe my story will help someone else. And so sometimes, even against my better judgment, I share my fears as if they are reality. But they aren't -- they are only my perception, which is exacerbated by this overwhelming need to share my "truth" and shine a light on my flaws.
The truth of the matter is that I may always struggle with having confidence, I may always feel a little insecure, I may always feel a little lost. I may have no idea what I'm doing with my life sometimes and maybe I will make the same mistakes over and over. But what I don't want to do anymore is get stuck in ruts, get stuck in analyzing, get stuck in playing the same old stories over and over again.
It's second nature for me to come to this blog and write about my internal struggles. I don't even know how to be different when that text box appears.
And so, I need to close this chapter in order to begin a new one.
And a new one, I shall begin. Or, I already have. I have started a new blog that centers around a hobby I have always enjoyed: travel. Which is full circle in some ways, because that's what this blog started off being. I don't regret its transformation and I needed it for some time, but I have got to move on. This space has become too defined by some limiting habits I have and baggage that I unnecessarily carry around. And that ends here, in this space.
What I think I will love about focusing on something more "superficial" is that I'll feel more freedom to share deeper stuff when I want and not as the central focus of my blog. And sometimes, when I need to use my blog as a getaway and as a place to escape those limiting, debilitating fears, I can do that and still feel authentic and true to myself and its purpose.
So, I suppose this is good-bye, but only to the Chimerikal chapter of my life. I am leaving this blog and its archives up because I don't want to erase the past -- even if I want to let go of it -- and there truly is a lot of good stuff here. But it's also heavy stuff and it's holding me and my ability to create, grow, laugh, and love back. No more.
So, with that said, I hope I'll see you over at my new blog:
Finally, in parting, I want to say one last thank you to all of you loyal readers who have become friends, who have been bright lights in dark times for me, who have reminded me that I'm not alone and that my fears and doubts are more human than anything else. I want to say thank you for believing in me, for encouraging me, for sticking with me, for everything. During one of the most confusing and lost times in my life, you held my hand and listened to my struggles. To have that is truly a gift and a blessing and I am so much better for it.